I am 32 years old right now. I can vividly remember being in my 20’s longing for my 30’s when I’d have it all figured out. I know that no one REALLY does but I was assured that in my 30’s at least some of my insecurities would die (and with each passing decade, the list would grow.) And I can say that as soon as I hit 30, it was like something washed over me and I no longer cared what most thought of me.

That lasted for about a year.

By 31, I was back to second guessing and doubting myself. I don’t know if it was because of the friendships I rekindled in that moment in time. I’m not sure if it was because I began to focus more on the reason for my move from my childhood home to 500 miles north of it. But sitting here thinking of my 31st year of my life, I realize that it was only comparable to my 7th year of formal education: the dreaded and awkward middle of middle school.

At 32 years, 5 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days old, I still have not fully recovered. But I’m trying.

My mother has always called me Breezy, her little free spirit. So unlike others who tend to adopt ideas of (and nicknames for) themselves based on their inner feelings, I’ve always been the way that I am even when I fight it. But only this year have I decided to dedicate my year to working on my own authenticity. It seems silly to have to “work” at it but I’ve lost a good amount of it along my journey. If I haven’t lost it, it’s tucked away in the recesses of my psyche or hiding in plain sight because I’ve conditioned myself to mostly pay attention to my faults over the years. Either way, it’s something that must be brought back to light but only for myself and not for others.

So what is a free spirit based on my own way of living?

To me a FS is someone who genuinely enjoys just living. Free spirit is synonymous with life enthusiast. I could enjoy spending a Saturday afternoon bathing in sunlight in my living room while reading a book just as much as I could enjoy going to watch a Sunday football game in a heavily crowded bar.

I’ve always been just like my namesake Breezy Sharp. For like the breeze, I enjoy going where the wind takes me. This has led to many varied hobbies and side occupations over the years. I’ve written poetry and short stories. I’ve painted in a class and by number. I’ve collected seashells and foreign currency. I’ve trained myself for a national bodybuilding competition. I’ve dabbled in the world of camgirls and sugar babies. I’ve joined the cast of a last minute play for a theatre festival. I’ve picked up some belongings and moved with just my dog to a new city to start over after deciding to move only 3 months prior. And you don’t even want to see my extensive Google search history for the many things I’ve wondered about over the years. If something flies across my radar, I’m pretty much going to explore it.

It’s hard to tell people what interests me. I’ve often loathed the “tell me about yourself” questioning that comes with first dates. The best way to get to know me has always been to just hang out with me. I don’t have a predetermined list of things. And when I’ve had to narrow it down, I feel like I’m not doing myself justice because I just know I’ve missed some things.

I’m a firm believer in letting people live the lives that they want to live as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. This doesn’t mean that I approve of stagnation or those who don’t believe in self-improvement. I just feel like I can’t judge anyone for doing what they want with their gift of free will. I didn’t give it to them so I’m certainly not going to try and take it away.

Lately I’ve had a bit of trouble reminding myself of who I really am. Maybe this year, maybe this time, it’ll stick just a bit longer.